Ten Years - April 16, 2004

I'd been thinking about the date, knew it was coming and knew I was setting myself up for a very difficult day. Nevertheless, when I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought about was that ten years ago today, my dad died.

Ten years. Has it really been that long? Ten years since I last saw his smile. Ten years since he said my name and told me he loved me. Ten years since I said goodbye. Ten years since I last saw his face.

After my dad died, I added the date to my calendar. What a strange feeling - seeing the day recorded amongst holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. The days that people celebrate and plan for. Instead, today is the day my dad died and I can only remember...

I remember how his laugh could light up a room. It was infectious. It was loud. It was just like mine.

I remember the t-shirts he wore with sayings like: Friends don't let friends drive Fords (which is ironic as my husband now owns a Ford truck). And Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad (and yes - he was incredibly special).

I remember asking him about the scar on his cheek when I was a little girl. He'd fallen on an piece of glass when he was three years old and the scar was permanent. (My Aunt Thelma confirmed that it was her who dropped him after he was too squirmy during a piggy-back ride).

I remember how loud he snored and how ridiculously loud he blew his nose.

I remember how confused my dad was when I asked if I could start shaving my legs. He didn't have a clue what to say and wanted to call my Grandma for advice. My sister, Jacquie stopped him in his tracks and said that he wasn't allowed to call her as she grew up in a different time and hadn't shaved her legs a day in her life - he needed to ask someone else. The conversation ended with my dad handing over his razor. 

I remember telling ghost stories at night with my friends and scaring ourselves so badly that we came screaming upstairs. My dad did not scare easily, but being woken up at 1am by a slumber party full of pre-teen girls screaming up the stairs?  It was enough to make him carry a bat with him as he searched the house.

I remember how much he read, how he was scared of mice and rats, and how mad he would get when my friends and I got to Blockbuster first and stole his free movie rental (thanks Kelly!!).

I remember jumping on our trampoline in the backyard when I got up to change the song from Steppenwolf's Magic Carpet Ride. My dad came out and complained that it was the first good song he'd heard all day and I turned it off. He made me turn it back on.

I remember that he bought Jacquie and I a car for our 16th birthday. It was an old Mustang (Jac's wish) and he was so excited when he led us into the garage that morning. He taught us both to drive a standard and it's a skill I'm happy to know.

And then I remember bursting with laughter after my dad took my keys one day. I'd been complaining about driving a standard because needing to have one hand on the wheel and the other on the stick meant that I couldn't drive with my arm out the window. So, he took my keys to prove me wrong and I watched as he kept one hand on the stick, the other out the window and drove the wheel with his knees.

I remember politely kicking him out the day he moved me into my dorm room at University. I was so excited to be starting my new life and didn't notice my dad's sadness at losing his little girl. He told me later that he'd find himself stopping in front of my bedroom door at home and feeling sad that I was all grown up and didn't live there anymore. He said he was looking forward to the summer when I would be home again.

I remember surprising my dad at work on my way through town. I walked in the side of the elevator and as I turned the corner I watched in horror as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. I was his anti-smoking daughter and was so genuinely proud of him for quitting. It was his first smoke in over a year and I happened to walk in the door at the exact moment that he finally gave into his weakness. And boy, did I let him have it.

I remember when my sisters and I recovered his kitchen chairs and simply left a note on the table that read: We hope you like your present. He said he was on the phone with my Grandma, telling her how his daughters left a note, but forgot to leave the present when he suddenly shouted, "Holy S***, they did my chairs!" His chairs were torn and coming apart at the seams and we made them look brand new again. It was thoughtful and one of my favourite gifts we ever gave him.

And I remember the day my world changed.

I remember eating at McDonald's before we moved Jacquie to Nanaimo for a work term when my dad started choking on his burger. He'd been having trouble swallowing and I was shaking as I ran up to ask the girl for a glass of water. We mentioned the doctor and he said he'd make an appointment when he got home.

I remember that on Sunday, February 15, 2004, my dad called. He was in the hospital having a shunt put in his throat to help his swallowing issues and asked my sister and I to meet him there. It was the first day we heard the frightening words: Esophagus Cancer. I remember meeting a doctor at the Pasqua Hospital in Regina soon after who told us he was in stage 4, the Cancer was terminal, it had spread and he had only an estimated 6 months to live.

6 months?

I remember the confusion.
I remember the pain.
I remember the anger.
I remember the sadness.
But most of all - I remember him.
His confusion.
His pain.
His anger.
His sadness.

And I remember sobbing on his hospital bed only two months later, on Friday, April 16, 2004, surrounded by our family, as I watched him take his last breath.

It was a life changing experience to sit by my dad's side and although those were devastating days, they were days like all the others - ones I want to remember.

These are a sample of the stories I remember. The good and the bad. The stories I now share with my husband about the father-in-law that he never had the chance to meet. And they are the stories I will share with my kids as I talk about the grandpa they will never know.

But they will know him - because I remember.

How long will I count the years?

Always.

Ten years. Has it really been that long?


*Update - my sisters and I hosted a memorial pot luck with our extended family from my dad's side last Saturday. It was a way to share his memory with those who love us and miss him as much as we do. We had on display a scrapbook I made for Jacquie after he passed away containing cards and letters and pictures that would help us remember, our dad's old cowboy boots and sandals, the quilt from his bed, his UGG cooler and Blue curling bag, a bottle of his cologne, his pin collection, and (to lighten the mood) his old rundown hair brush. This blog was also printed for everyone to read. There were tears and there was laughter and we were surrounded by love. A big thank you to everyone who was able to make it. You all made a difficult day just a little bit better.

Here we are (Melanie, Celina & Jacquie) - 10 years later - and still missing him every day. Today he would have been 58 years old, he would have 3 son-in-laws, and 6 wonderful grandchildren. We love you dad!

 

Melanie

Camping reservations

I love to camp. I love setting up the tent (although this year we sprang for a new-to-us camper and we are very excited to take it out). I love being outside all day with absolutely nothing to do. I love cooking over a fire. I love the rustling of the trees as I sleep. And I really love sitting in a lawn chair by a crackling fire at night and just watching it burn.

Some of my fondest memories from my youth involve camping and I'm so happy to share the same experiences with my kids. We've camped with each of them as babies (crazy, I know), and now the excitement on Mya's face (and I assume on Jasper's when he's old enough to understand) when she hears about our camping plans for the upcoming season is priceless.

This week was opening week for Saskatchewan Provincial Parks and I was geared up and ready. We have a lot of trips planned this year that will see us to Battleford, Moose Mountain, Duck Mountain, and (fingers crossed) Rowan's Ravine. We also plan to hit up Nickle Lake as it's only a few minutes away from where we live.

Saying that reservations at Sask Parks happen fast is an understatement. And those of you who were lucky enough to get campsites without encountering any problems were exactly that: Lucky. I was among the 1500 people who were mistakenly charged twice for my campsite on Monday morning. And I was also one of the 3400 people who had logged in on Wednesday morning in an attempt to book a campsite at Douglas Provincial Park. I say 'attempt' because that day I needed 6 sites for a family camping trip and by the time the system worked itself out of the massive overwhelm there were only single bookings left (and not very many at that).

Monday morning at least found me with two campsites at Battleford for the week prior to my family's Beaton Festivus. We will be camping with Jacquie's family like we do every year and I'm most excited for our annual trek to the lighthouse in Cochin. But Wednesday was a bust. I was awake at 6:45am and by 8:00am with still no campsite, I was one cranky momma!

Sask Parks wrote numerous emails of apology and have fixed their system by extending Friday's launch into 3 more days. The positive of this change is that I still need to book at Moose Mountain, Duck Mountain and Rowan's Ravine - so there's a better chance that I can get the sites I want on the days I want when they are divided up. Unfortunately for me it means another 3 days of waking up at  6:45am in order to make sure I get reservations. They launch reservations at 7am sharp.

Friday found me with a full service site at Duck Mountain. Saturday found me with an electrical site at Moose Mountain. And Tuesday morning (fingers crossed) will find me with 6 sites all together for our Haug family camping trip in July. I've enlisted Jacquie's help for Tuesday's launch as I don't want to miss out again like I did for Douglas.

As tiring as this week has been with all the 6:45am wake ups, I'm really looking forward to a summer of camping. Our new parks this year: Battleford - a park I haven't been to since I was a kid, Duck Mountain - Roger's suggestion as he remembers loving it there and Rowan's Ravine - the backup park since we didn't find sites at Douglas, but have heard from friends that it's a beautiful park. And, of course, our token park: Moose Mountain - will find us there for our third year in a row.

As much as I love the white stuff outside, I'm ready for a little fun in the sun!

Melanie

Broken Heart

When I think about losing my dad all those years ago - what I remember are my friends.

I left the hospital and went straight to my friend Sam's house. I walked in, started crying, and just remember her holding me. She cried with me and told me that she didn't know what to say. What she didn't know is that I didn't need her to say anything. In that moment, all I wanted and needed was a hug from my friend. And she gave that to me.

When I got home, I was greeted by my extended family and an overwhelming amount of friends who had all heard the news and rushed to be by my and my sisters' sides. They gave me what I needed and they stayed for hours. They were wonderful and they helped me get through an extremely difficult time in my life.

Thankfully not many of my friends knew what it felt like to lose a parent. But they knew what to do anyway. They knew my heart was broken and they all knew how to be there.

A year after he passed I received a card in the mail from Sheena. She wrote a sweet note and ended by saying: "I am still sad when I think about losing 'my' dad". She wrote 'my' and it made me cry. Sheena was family and my dad always thought of her as a fourth daughter.

Five years after he passed away, my friend Kelly surprised us all by submitting a memorial in the city newspaper. She signed it from Celina, Jacquie, Melanie and all your other 'daughters'. It was sweet and thoughtful and helped me feel not so alone.

And to this day, on the anniversary of my dad's death, I still receive countless text messages and emails from friends and family. Some say they are thinking of me. Others tell me they love me. And some will simply send me a heart symbol.

My friends were there for me. And they still are. I felt loved during a time when my world was falling apart and I am still so thankful for them.

Today I am writing this blog because I am sad. I am sad because, in the last two weeks, my friends Sheena and Trevor (Becky) have both lost their dads. And I know their hearts are breaking.

I no longer live in the same city as my friends and I'm at a loss as to what I can do for them. I want to be there. I want to walk over to their houses and stay for hours. I want to give them the hugs I know they desperately need. I want to cry with them. I want to listen, to help and to share in their pain. Because losing a parent (or anyone for that matter) means losing a piece of your heart. I want to be there to help them grieve and then to heal. And I want to give them what they gave me all those years ago - a friend.

To my friends - I wish I could catch your tears in the palm of my hand and mingle them with my own. You are not alone. My heart is broken too and I understand your pain. I am so sorry.

xoxo

Melanie

The Kitchen Remodel

My home was built in 1977. I love it and together with my family we have made some great memories over the past two years. But if there's one thing we could change, it would be the kitchen:

It's old. It's outdated. The fridge seems like an afterthought and it isn't a good use of space. And my biggest pet peeve - we do not even have a dishwasher!  Ugh. What a pain it's been to wash all my dishes in the sink.

My husband and I decided it was time. We had to renovate.

Our list of wants:

- A dishwasher (stainless steel inside and out. A thing of beauty)

- Glass backsplash (we like greys and blues and wanted a little splash of colour)

- Undermount sink (I refused to listen when the Home Depot said it couldn't be done with a laminate countertop)

Jacquie designed our new kitchen layout. We set a budget. I price matched on Black Friday to get some great deals on new appliances. We did the research and got cabinet quotes from six different cabinet makers (and yes - custom cabinets really are cheaper than stock cabinets) before choosing Elite Kitchens in Weyburn. We got quotes from an electrician and a plumber. We looked at handles, backsplashes, countertops and paint. And then my talented husband did all the work.

Bippity Boppity Boo!

It's not finished yet. Roger still needs to do the crown molding, light rail, toe kick, change out the light, finish the trim, put up curtains, and add the glass backsplash. But it's an amazing transformation and I couldn't be more excited. Probably should have cleaned off my fridge for the photo, but it works anyway.

Did I mention I have the best husband?

Welcome to my dream kitchen. You are welcome anytime!

Melanie

The bracelet

Shortly after Mya was born, Roger mentioned that he couldn't wait for the day when Mya would make him a friendship bracelet. It's one of the perks to having a little girl. He is a proud dad and said he'd love to wear it.

Today was that day.

Yesterday I took Mya shopping for some much needed craft supplies and we stocked up on buttons, sparkles, stickers, paper, glue, paint, and more. Mya was eager and excited and she exclaimed, "Oh mommy, I NEED that!" at almost everything in the craft aisle. She was most excited for a new, special item that we added to our shopping cart: a gigantic box of beads and some bracelet strings.

This morning we sat in her craft room and she choose the colour of her dad's bracelet (red) and all the beads. I watched as she patiently added each bead to the bracelet and carefully pulled it all the way to the bottom.

I knew Roger wouldn't believe that she made the bracelet herself, so I took this little video:
 

As of lunch time today, Roger is sporting a beaded bracelet on his wrist (it's tied on so he can't take it off). When he got home for supper Mya went running, "Daddy, you wearing your bracelet?"

He pretended to look surprised as he picked her up. "Oh? I don't know. Let's check" he laughed.

Yup. Still there. And he loves it.

Melanie

 

Good Cop vs Bad Cop

When it comes to parenting, is it always Good Cop vs Bad Cop?

Me? I'm the bad cop. Especially when it comes to discipline at bedtime. And I'm torn about whether that's actually a bad thing.
 
Mya is 2 years old, so we are at the beginning stages of learning to discipline her. We give her warnings, but she tests her limits (A LOT!) and eventually we have to follow through with a punishment. Her punishment usually means laying her down in her bed and explaining what she did wrong. Easy. She understands the message and that's what matters.

I complain and say that I don't like being the bad cop, but that's not always true. Being the bad cop doesn't make me a mean parent. I love my kids. But I want them to grow up knowing right from wrong. I want them to know they have boundaries and when they cross the line, there's a punishment.

Lately I've been the bad cop when it comes to bedtime. Mya has always been an excellent sleeper, but since we moved her to her big girl bed and she discovered that she can climb out of her bed on her own, she thinks it's fun to continuously come out to say hello.

"But I no wanna go to sleep" has become a nightly phrase in our house.

If we are home, her nightly routine is always the same: supper, playtime, bath, watch an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, brush teeth, potty break, read at least 3 stories, kisses and hugs and good night. Ideally she's in bed by 8:30pm, but sometimes as late as 9:00pm.

We've had to set some rules to prevent her from getting out of bed. After all, bedtime is bedtime. And if she gets up more than once (for anything other than to use the potty) then we close her door. She has this new fear of the dark and prefers to sleep with her door open. It's not a problem so long as she stays in bed. But, if Mya climbs out of bed after bedtime, I close her door. Most nights she goes right to sleep after that.

I felt bad the first few nights as we've been pretty lenient in the past. But bedtime has started to drag on for hours and if we don't enforce the rules, she won't learn. So I took on the role of bad cop and I'm happy to report that Mya has had a nap every day since Thursday and for the past few nights bedtime has went off without a hitch. She doesn't necessarily fall asleep right away, but she lays quietly in bed and plays her music bear until sleep overtakes her.

All that being said - I'm always the good cop when it comes to daily treats. Today I gave Mya a kid-sized glass of chocolate milk, the arm of a gingerbread cookie and three chocolate chips. Little treats throughout the day are offered so long as she doesn't tell her daddy on me!

Maybe it's not all bad.

Melanie

2013 Christmas card letter

My 2013 Christmas card letter:

Twas the year 2013 at the Pilloud family home
Jasper was born, while Mya obsessed over a gnome.
Roger began a new career with the WIT,
and Melanie enjoys her mat leave benefit.

Born premature, Jasper was hospitalized longer than expected,
From infections to jaundice the nurses made sure he was never neglected.
He finally came home to stay and made our family so happy,
And it was time as Melanie was getting so sappy.
He’s seven months now and is growing so fast,
the size of a one year old, but he’s having a blast.
Rolling and laughing and beginning to sit on his own,
He loves his big sister, you can tell by his tone.

Mya is potty trained, it started soon after she turned two,
And though there’s been accidents, there’s been very few.
She sings and she plays, but loves to dance the best,
So we enrolled her in dance class to put her skills to the test.
Our little chatterbox, she repeats every word,
Her speech is easy to understand even when she’s quite slurred.
She’s learning her shapes and colours and can count 1, 2, 3,
Her favourite is the alphabet and asks: “Won’t you sing with me?”

Roger is almost a year in his new position,
as a Grain Marketing Rep, he enjoys the competition.
At the end of the day is his favourite part,
As Mya runs into his arms – she truly holds his heart.
He frequently tackles our home renovations,
Including a front deck of his and his brother’s creation.
Next to come is a kitchen remodel,
With any luck it will go smoothly and leave us free of a squabble.
He spends his free time working out and watching sports on tv,
He’s recovering well from his knee surgery.

Although each day brings a new set of drama,
Melanie longs to be a stay-at-home momma.
She sews lots of blankets and cooks family grub,
And has recently joined another book club.
Writing is a passion as she started a new blog,
http://livelaughgiggle.blogspot.ca if you want to follow along.

We hope this Christmas finds you all cheery and bright,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"

xoxoxoxoxo
Melanie