6 weeks

Maybe I was naive. Maybe I just didn't understand. But I didn't know what it meant to lose a baby until it happened to me.

It was a regular Saturday morning. I was playing in the yard with my kids and chatting with my husband. I was 6 weeks pregnant and could not have been happier in that moment. I want a big family. I want my kids close in age. My life was happening exactly how I wanted it to happen. I was happy. I was writing a blog in my head titled "Welcome to the Jungle." It was the phrase a friend used when we gleefully announced our 3rd baby's pending arrival.

And that's when I felt it. In that moment I knew - I was bleeding.

Some women bleed during their pregnancies. It's a sign telling them to slow down and rest their body. But I've never bled during mine and I knew it was not a good sign.

In the emergency room my doctor confirmed that the baby was alright. He helped me feel calm, but also let me know that if I lost the baby, there was nothing he could do to stop it.

I rested for three days. I cancelled plans. I laid on the couch. I read an entire book on Sunday afternoon. I felt sad as I prepared for what might happen, but as time wore on I had hope that our baby was going to be alright.

But things were not alright. The cramping started on Monday evening and I lost the baby that night. I cried in Roger's arms as I talked about what could have been and what we lost. I fell asleep feeling devastated and empty.

We had announced our pregnancy early. I'm not very good at keeping pregnancy a secret and I always believed the statement that if anything were to happen, I'd rather have the support of everyone knowing than to suffer in silence. But my body? It was built for having babies. It was built for both pregnancy and labour. I am one of the lucky ones. A miscarriage wouldn't happen to me.

Until it did.

As it turns out, 1 in 3 pregnancies end with a miscarriage.

It's the little things that hurt the most. Walking over to look at my daily calendar and seeing that I'd already marked each week of my pregnancy until the end of the year. Now every time I look at it I'm reminded of how far along I should have been. And the biggest hurt is looking at my bare fireplace. The sign I'd hung to tell Roger that we were having a baby has been taken down and although it gave me closure, it's empty look now reminds me of what should still be hanging there. 

I'm glad I'd announced the pregnancy early as the support I received was comforting and helpful. The texts, calls, emails, flowers, cards, gifts and visits - they have meant so much. It made me feel not so alone and it definitely helped to hear from others who'd experienced the same thing. Rachelle - you saved me. I hope you know that. I don't know how I would have gotten through it without you.

Having a miscarriage was absolutely terrible. It broke my heart. I honestly don't think that many people understand what it means or know how difficult it is to be pregnant one minute and not the next, unless you've been through it yourself. And now that I have, I feel sad thinking about my friends who've been there while I blissfully looked the other way. I wish I'd known...but I'm glad I didn't.

I feel blessed to have two beautiful, healthy kids and they've made this loss a little easier on me. Roger, you are my rock and although it was a terrible loss, I'm thankful you were by my side.

Melanie